“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings
We get requests…a lot of request….every day….all day every day! Haven’t you ever wished for just one hour or one day that you could be freed from the obligations and expectations of others? Although the demands come all the time, the issue is, what do we do with those demands? If we are honest with ourselves, we know…most of the time, we say yes – even when we want to say no. We often say yes, for very valid reasons Right? We want to help, we don’t want to be rude, we like to be agreeable, we want people to like us, we want to avoid conflict, we don’t want to close any doors, burn any bridges or lose an opportunity…Really? Are those the actual reasons we say yes instead of no? Are those the reasons we barter away our lives one favor at a time? We know how important it is to learn to integrate “NO” into our lives, but we continually put off learning to be better at it because, well, it’s easier than doing something hard, like saying ‘no’. The actual problem is that we say yes to things we want to say no to. That’s when we get into trouble with ourselves.My friend Shelly Wilson, writer, mother, master of the “YES”…has donated some words of wonder and wisdom for our Creative Courage Challenge this week.
The art of leadership is in saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” ~Tony Blair
How do you tend to handle the myriad of requests? Do you automatically say yes, and then figure out how you are going to make that work? Then suffer the consequences of time, sanity or the affection of others? Or do you say no, clearly, concisely and kindly, knowing that taking on another task is not beneficial for you at this time?
If you operate the first way, I’m going to guess that you have much too little time to create, you have almost no time to BE creative, as well as having little time for yourself and, I’m guessing that you are stressed. You most likely may not even realize just how stressed you are. There is too little time because there are too may demands being made of you. *WARNING*WARNING*WARNING WILL ROBINSON! The first person that ends up neglected in this situation … is you. If you recognize yourself in this scenario… it is time for you to learn how to say no.
This is a good place to start…Celestine Chua (of Personal Excellence – www.personalexcellence.com) has a plan, this is her How to Say No Manifesto:
- Be clear of your vision (This is what you want to say yes to. Everything else = No)
- Know the implications of saying yes (The more yes’s, the further you drift from your vision)
- Realize that saying no is okay. (Yes it is!)
- Use the medium you’re most comfortable with (phone, face-to-face, email, text)
- Keep it simple (You don’t owe anyone explanations)
- Be respectful (Value the other party’s stance)
- Provide an alternative (Only if you want to)
- Make yourself less accessible (Provide your contact info only to those important to you)
- Write everything down first (To process your thoughts)
- Delay your response (No need to reply right away)
- Sometimes, no reply is also a form of reply. (Yes it is!)
A brief definition of a manifesto is “a public declaration of intentions”, and this is what you must do! And here is a challenge, my Creative friends: Today, right now- not later when you have time to think about it, because we’ve already determined that you don’t have any of that precious time! So, right now… write down your vision. Write it and then physically declare it to the Universe. Your vision is what you will say yes to, every time. Write it down, declare it, embrace it, memorize it, make it the core of your being.
Then, the next time someone requests something from you – before you say, “Yes, Sure!” simply out of habit – hold back and remember your vision. Ask yourself, “Does this request help or hinder the pursuit of my vision?” If the answer is yes, then by all means, go for it with a resounding, “Sure!” But if you feel hesitation – or a sinking feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach – pay attention to that! And then say, “No.”
The more you have tied up in other peoples’ agendas or needs or desires, the less time there is for you to create, to dream, to live your vision. Life’s too short; so…just say no.
Thanks Shelly, you rock!
I would like to share an example of a wonderful “NO” response story that I found while doing some research for this post….John Kenneth Galbraith’s housekeeper never had a problem saying no to anyone. One day President Lyndon Johnson called the Galbraith house wanting to talk to the great economist, who had lain down for a little shut-eye. The housekeeper responded to the President’s request with “He’s taking a nap and has left strict orders not to be disturbed.” Johnson replied, “Well, I’m the President. Wake him up.” The response: “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but I work for Mr. Galbraith, not for you.” Click (You go girl!)
“No may be the most powerful word in the language, but it’s also potentially the most destructive, which is why it’s hard to say,” says William Ury, director of the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard University, who addresses that struggle in his new book, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes.
“A pint can’t hold a quart – if it holds a pint it is doing all that can be expected of it.”
Margaret Deland
There are only twenty four hours in each day, and when you agree to do a task that you really do not want to do, you are ransoming some of those hours, you need to decide if that’s worth it. There is only so much any one person can do.
Most of us have more difficulty simply because we are not prepared to say no, we aren’t sure how to go about it, or what words to use. So this week we will find a few ways for us to help build our Creative Courage by honoring ourselves and saying NO not just when we need to but also when we want to. By learning how to answer those requests with what’s really in our hearts, so we can find more Creative time to be our Creative Evil Genius Selves! Because if we say yes, when we want to say no, we will feel resentful throughout whatever it is we agreed to do, which cost energy, discomfort, and saps us of our creativity…not to mention all that time it takes to do all those things we didn’t really want to do in the first place!! So let’s begin with a three step program shall we?
STEP ONE: No Extensive Explanations! The first thing to remember is that we should never, never, EVER (did I say never yet?) go into a long explanation as to why we are not agreeing to their intrusion of our time and creativity. They really don’t care. They just want us to say “Yes”, the reason we say “No” isn’t important to them.
STEP TWO: Do Not Engage in Why! If they pretend to care, and have the nerve to ask us “why?” we didn’t agree to do what they’ve asked, they are simply attempting to Judge Judyus, to determine if the answer we give is good enough for them, and to figure out how they are going to convince us to say yes. Do not engage in the “why?” never, ever, ever!
STEP THREE: Learn Evasive Action! There are some kinder phrases we might use to get us through the uncomfortable pit in our belly so we can say no without striping any of our creative juices. We could actually think of this as a creative exercise! Be as creative as you’d like, but the goal is to be, as Shelly stated… clear, concise and kind (mostly to yourself). So we will Embrace the Tickle, and stand up for ourselves!
With those three things in mind, we might also begin better with a few non-assertive ‘no’ mannerisms…..When asked to do something we don’t want to do, our first response should almost always be to look the requester in the eye and say “I need some time to think about that.” If time is of the essence, begin by shaking your head, while you start your sentence with ‘no’, because if we begin with “no” both visually and verbally, we can use short assertive responses that they are already prepared to hear.
- I would love to however..
- Thanks for the opportunity but I can’t this time.
- What a wonderful idea, nevertheless…
- I appreciate you asking me, I just can’t right now.
- I think you’re kids are great, but they are a handful for me, Sorry.
- Thank you so much for the lovely invite, but unfortunately I’m going to have to pass this time.
- I don’t want to say yes, then have to let you down. I’ve got enough on my plate right now.
Stall for time if you don’t feel you can say no right away:
- Let me think about that and get back to you.
- I’m going to have to check my availability and let you know.
- I do not believe I’m available, but I will check and give you a shout.
- Let me look at my schedule before I commit to that.
The Friends & Family No….If we need to say no to something we would otherwise have done, or to someone we truly care about, we must be sincere with an empathic response to ease the rejection. Say a friend needs for you to watch her child while she runs to the doctor. You don’t want to hurt your friendship, but you aren’t able to take the time away, you might say “No, Nicole, I can’t watch Jodie for you. It must be hard to find someone that time of day, but I’ve already made lunch plans, and I won’t be able to help this time.”
The Uninvited No…say it quickly, kindly and firmly. Nope:
- When the clerk wants your zip code while you make a purchase. No.
- When the perfume demonstrator wants to spritz you. Nope.
- When your friend’s pet jumps on you. NO!
- When you are asked for your phone number with a return purchase. No.
- When the receptionist asks if she can put you on hold. No.
Saying NO is very empowering. NO is a Complete Sentence.
Say Yes to Saying No. No is the new Yes.
Learning to say no to requests that do not meet your needs, will become easier and easier when you find out how much time you will gain, the amount of stress that you are relived of, the more creative your brain works, the more creative works are inspired with and compelled to complete! This will also help us get closer to building our Creative Universe. Who doesn’t want that?!
So this week lets pump our Creative Courage by practicing and learning to say NO. Come on, I know you can do it….. Say it now. Say it to yourself (or to the person next to you). Say it for no reason. Say it when it is not a response to a request. Get used to saying it. Let your ears hear your mouth saying it. Get used to hearing it. The more familiar you become with it, the easier it will become to use.
Remember that there are only so many hours in the day. This means that whatever you choose to take on limits your ability to do other things – Creative Things, Things you WANT to do. So even if you somehow can fit a ANOTHER new commitment into your schedule, if it’s not more important than what you will have to give up to accommodate someone else, then you really don’t have the time in your schedule. Right?! So, stand tall, look into their eyes, and simply say No, I can’t.
Once you have said NO, do not forget Week #4 Challenge...Compliment Yourself, because you DO deserve it! Then hone your Creative Evil Genius to continue to craft your Creative Universe…which truly as Artists and Creatives IS what we would love to be spending all our time on isn’t it?! Be honest, be strong, say no…and use your new found time creatively!!
JeaneMargherite Meria McMahon Murray Schintgen
(that’s my name, don’t wear it out!)
Check me out in my other realms…..
