“The highest courage is to dare to appear to be what one is.” ~ John Lancaster Spalding
First a quick note.. we have quite a long post this week, try as I might, I could not condense it any further. I considered breaking it into two weeks, but in writing it I realized that the two components are intricately intertwined and that they must be presented together, to be practiced together….so I did break it into two parts for reading sake, but felt in critical to post it in its entirety….“I can live for two months on a good compliment.” ~ Mark Twain
This week we are going to “…be what one is…” this week we are going to experience compliments. Giving and Receiving – with Grace. Because when we allow ourselves to be open to compliments we become more courageous. It is actually quite true…it takes a great deal of courage to believe in compliments!
Would it not be wonderful if with a few words, a couple simple compliments, we might live lighter in our hearts, and we might give that gift to others as well? I believe once we are comfortable complimenting others, that we will at once complement others to boot!
“If people did not compliment one another there would be little society.” ~Luc de Clapiers
To begin our journey we will need to examine both accepting compliments from others, whether we believe them to be sincere or not, as well as the proper parameters to gifting a compliment…so ours will always be sincere! So..what exactly is a compliment anyway? Let’s explore the actual definition shall we…
com·pli·ment
noun [kom-pluh-muhnt]
- an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration:
A sincere compliment boosts one’s morale. - a formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard:
The mayor paid him the compliment of escorting him. - compliments, a courteous greeting; good wishes; regards:
He sends you his compliments. - Archaic . a gift; present. And it always is (a gift that is)
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process you’ll become well liked and build self-confidence –your own as well as others….and this in turn will build your courage muscle. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
An alarmingly large number of people do not know how to take a compliment. For some they don’t understand how to accept them properly, for others it is a self-esteem mind set, we don’t believe we deserve the positive feedback, and yet still others often don’t trust that the complimenting person is insincere. The fact is that accepting compliments is a social grace that should be cultivated, we must all learn how to give and accept compliments with grace.
“A compliment is a verbal sunshine.” ~Robert Orben
Let’s begin with giving compliments…once we learn the proper way to give a compliment, it will be easier to learn to accept them graciously. Most of you may be thinking…duh, I know how to give a compliment, it’s not that difficult, what’s the big deal? But the way in which you deliver a compliment could mean the difference between the other person accepting it the way it was meant or not.
First here are some compelling reasons to give a genuine compliment…
- Spreading Joy, you might just make someone’s day, how nice is that?!
- Increased Positivity, aiming your focus on positive things expands your own positivity.
- Attractiveness, being positive, showing appreciation and genuinely expressing yourself are very attractive traits. People tend to want to be around people who possess such traits.
- Karma, what comes around goes around, you get what you give, you reap what you sow, paying it forward and reciprocity… these are wonderful things to cultivate!
- Plus..it’s fun! When you give the gift of a genuine compliment we’ve all felt that spark of happiness ignite inward, it is fun to feel so good, for simply being kind.
Now that we know some of the awesome reasons to perform this act of wonderfulness, let’s figure out the best way to go about doing it!
The short version is:
Be Specific Be Authentic Be Unique Be Personal
A SPECIFIC compliment makes a much bigger impact than a general or vague one:“You look great today” is nice, but “That dress looks wonderful on you” is a stronger compliment and more memorable, it makes the person feel as if you truly noticed them. You could even back up your compliment…”That dress looks wonderful on you, it rally matches your eyes.” Another example may be instead of “Your kitchen looks great.” We might say “Your kitchen looks great; I really like the cabinetry and hardware.” Asking additional questions then turns your compliment into the beginnings of a conversation…all you have to do is add…”where did you get the cabinets?” or “who did the work?”… a specific compliment holds incredible power.
An AUTHENTIC compliment is the only type you should ever give. As well, an authentic compliment is an extraordinary gift for the person receiving it. Everyone has a personal character trait or gift worthy of acknowledgement, this week let’s get into the habit of finding that good in others. Often times if you are truly authentic you may be the only one who points it out for that person.
A UNIQUE compliment will not only impress but often wow the people who are blessed enough to receive them. Use creative words, and acknowledge character traits of the people you are complimenting. “Your dress is really nice” doesn’t carry nearly the impact of “Your dress is very eye-catching, that fabric is out of this world!”
A PERSONAL compliment is especially kind. Complimenting character traits are often the most valued and appreciated types of commendations. Take as many opportunities that you can to send these types of compliments. Hone in on a person’s character such as their perseverance, kindness, thoughtfulness, loyalty, humor, creativity, courage, calmness or anything that strikes you as inspiring. Compliment a teacher on their ability to motivate their students, or a mother on the compassion she has for her children, or the patience someone has when trying to learn something new. Try: “It took a lot of courage for you to speak up like that” and “You are so creative, I love the way you pull together your outfits” or “You are so compassionate, I love the way you use humor when you can see I’m feeling down” … When you compassionately compliment someone on their character or actions you pass on gifts that are rarely heard. Even a simply “I appreciate you for….” …whatever that might be, is an easy and incredible compliment to pass on.
NOTES:
- Be patient AND spontaneous…don’t try to manufacture the perfect compliment moment. Flattery and puffery have only the giver’s interest in mind, and is impatient, looking for the return…but being timid and waiting too long may allow the compliment to lose its timeliness.
- Don’t be looking for a ‘thank you’, just gift your compliment and breeze on back to life.
- Don’t be afraid to compliment people of authority, people in power they tend to receive less compliments.
- Be yourself, don’t feel it’s necessary to take on some kind of super persona to begin dishing out meaningful compliments to people…it will however require a certain amount of courage to speak up… and that’s what we are going to be working on this week!
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia
One last tidbit about giving compliments…In my research I came across this really wonderful blog post about a dad who puts a marble in a jar each time he gives his son a compliment so that there is a visual reminder for him to pass out the compliments. It’s an incredibly way to learn to compliment our children, well written and a fabulous story, so if you have the time, his post is here: The Marble Jar.
PART 2
“Insults should be written in sand, compliments carved in stone” –Arab Proverb
So you are ready to accept compliments after giving them? Many people have a great deal of difficulty accepting compliments. Most often we don’t even realize what we are doing, but in brushing off a compliment, or not owning/accepting one we are devaluing the gift we were given, and in the end that doesn’t feel good for either party.
When we accept every compliment that is offered to us… instead of undermining our self-confidence, we feed it, instead of degrading our accomplishments we would promote them, instead of tearing down relationships, we would strengthen them. We need to own our accomplishments, be appreciative, recognize our contributions, and we need to be gracious.
Some people feel that you need to be a well-balanced, self-assured person to accept compliments affectively…but the good news is that mastering the art of receiving compliments helps you become a more well-balanced, self-assured person!
She Said: That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing.We Said: This old thing?
Do This, Not That: Thank you so much, I fell in love with the color!
She Said: You did a great job on the project.
We Said: It didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
Do This, Not That: Thank you, I worked really hard on it.
We Said: It didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
Do This, Not That: Thank you, I worked really hard on it.
She Said: That’s a great shirt.
We Said: Of course, I have great taste!
Do This, Not That: Thank you; it’s one of my favorites.
We Said: Of course, I have great taste!
Do This, Not That: Thank you; it’s one of my favorites.
She Said: You have a lovely complexion!
We Said: Oh, no I don’t I hate my freckles…
Do This, Not That: Thank you so much for noticing.
We Said: Oh, no I don’t I hate my freckles…
Do This, Not That: Thank you so much for noticing.
She Said: Your work is amazing!
We Said: Thanks but I’ve been having difficulty with getting the details right.
Do This, Not That: Wow, thank you, I really appreciate that!
We Said: Thanks but I’ve been having difficulty with getting the details right.
Do This, Not That: Wow, thank you, I really appreciate that!
It’s the same when someone hands you a gift for whatever reason….and it seems our natural instinct is to respond with “Oh, you didn’t need to do that” or “that wasn’t necessary” or “Oh wish you wouldn’t have”….we devalue the gift givers intentions, and possibly hurt their feelings….when all we EVER truly should say is simply “thank you”.
To build our Creative Courage we need to look at accepting a compliment as an exercise in being assertive. It takes courage to understand, accept and admit our self-worth…so each time we accept a compliment at face value; we are in fact building our self-esteem, which in turn builds our courage. There are many ways that we are all aware of to deflect, discount or dismiss a compliment…there are actually just as many ways, if not more, to accept a compliment.
Accepting a compliment is a recognition that you are worth the compliment, and grateful to the giver for offering it. In accepting a compliment with gratitude and grace, we are telling the other person that we value their judgment and wisdom; it tells the other person that you appreciate what they have to say. When we focus our attention on receiving the compliment rather than on its content, we are more apt to accept with gracefully….which of course creates more self-esteem, which in turn builds our courage. Do you see where we are going with this?
NOTES:
First, when receiving a compliment, alwayssmile. Smiling says a great deal without you having to say anything at all. You’ve earned a compliment, so enjoy your moment in the spotlight.
Pay attention when you are given a compliment. If the giver is met with a halfhearted response, you probably shouldn’t expect that person to send another compliment your way.
Give credit where credit is due when given a compliment. Don’t forget to share the compliment with a group of friends, coworkers or whoever else may have helped you to accomplish what you have been complimented for. This is especially important if the person giving the compliment is responsible for your success.
Embracing a genuine compliment with gratitude and grace means believing in yourself….so believe in yourself this week, get out there and compliment when you see fit, and accept them when they are given to you!!
In short….Say thank you, savor the gift, rinse and repeat!
Bonus Challenge: print this out, hang it up somewhere, give out the compliments…make someone’s day, and build your courage!
Double Extra Points if you make your own!!
Double Extra Points if you make your own!!
